It's Not You, It's Me

I was having a discussion with a friend recently and he mentioned how he hated the pre-break up line "It's not you, it's me." It's distasteful because it is usually interpreted as "it *is* you". But after some pondering, I realize how incorrect this perception is.

I have used that line before and at the time I thought "you're wonderful, but I'm just not attracted to you." What's unattractive about a wonderful human being?? After years of listening to Dr. Drew and going through my own path of growth and maturity, it has come to my attention that there must have been something wrong with *me* that I would relinquish such a wonderful person.

Drew tells his callers on nearly a nightly basis that people who are drawn to chaos (i.e. abuse, etc...) need to retrain their brains in order to attract and become more attractive to someone who is less chaotic. People who are drawn to this chaos usually grew up with it and their behavioral patterns have developed around it. I know this feeling all too well. And it takes and incredible amount of time and effort to not only become aware of how you were thusly shaped, but also to change the patterns and reactions. And when these people come across someone who is stable, sweet, thoughtful, genuine, etc... they run, reject or worse yet provoke this person. And in the end use the line "it's not you, it's me"to add the final jab.

So, this goes out to all of you sweet, adroable, fantastic people who have had this line delivered to you to say that it really is *them* not you!

Good Reads - Spiritual Growth

Hi All:

Below are books that I've read and highly recommend if you're looking for something to help you on your way to spiritual growth. As I read more, I will add to the list. Please leave your comments or provide counter-recommendations.

• Tree of Yoga by B.K.S. Iyengar
• Cutting Through Spiritual Materialism by Choygyam Trungpa
• Way of Transformation by Karlfried Graf Durkheim (this book is out of print, but can possibly be found at your local library)
• The Shambala Guide to Yoga by Georg Feuerstein

Tree Saving Ideas

1. Stuff a wash clothe or hand towel into your bag/purse/pack pocket and use to dry your hands when you use public restrooms - this cuts down on the use of paper towels.
2. Reuse paper towels at home; let dry out or fold in ways so that one section of a paper towel is being used at a given time.

In my mind this is picture is an ingenious work of art... The artist (we'll call him McMichael) took a small (2 inches tall) glow in the dark alien figure and put it on a scanner and scanned it in as a picture. Awesome!!


Glow in the Dark alien by McMichael

SeaTree 

Wentworth Miller -- sex symbol *and* role model??

Since the rise in popularity of the show "Prison Break", my claim to fame (for the moment) is that I went to summer camp with Wentworth Miller. And since I start watching the show myself (where I discovered that he was acting as a profession), I've been reading all sorts of write-ups and interviews with him and I'm here to make a statement: he's a good role model for the gen-Xers and beyond. Let me tell you why...

First and foremost, Wentworth is an extremely intelligent person. When we were kids (age 14-15) he was reading the newspaper and speaking lucidly and profoundly on current issues. Not only that, but he was able to make appropriate jokes about such issues that showed his complete understanding of situations (not to mention is his incredible sense of humor, which often left me laughing myself silly). He was most definitely ahead of his time. So, his getting into Princeton was no fluke.

Secondly, his parents have instilled in him a strong sense of identity, respect and reverence and work ethic. My mom has often commented, since my re-discovery of this old friend, that he was always very gracious, polite and respectful. He always said his "pleases" and "thank yous". This is not a trait very common in most people, let alone 14 year old boys! He also maintained a certain amount of pride in his inherited name: Wentworth Earl Miller III. I know it was difficult for him to withstand the ridicule of having such a lofty and pretentious name, but he carried it with dignity and it affirmed in him his own sense of uniqueness. I also discovered that when he moved to L.A. to pursue his acting career he worked as a temp in a bookstore (Borders, if I'm not mistaken). Anway, he could easily have leeched off his parents, as they were not poor. But he worked day and night (night, mostly to get his name "out there" via mailing headshots, etc.) for a few years. I can imagine that it was a difficult job for him and maybe a little demeaning, being a Princeton grad. But he rolled up his sleeves and persevered.

Thirdly, when interviewed for articles, he does not ramble on about going to this party or that. Or about his little poodle that cuddles up in his man purse (I'm not suggesting that he carries one, just alluding to that skank-ho-waste-of-life Paris Hilton). He says things like (to parapharase), to pursue an acting career in Hollywood, you have to have the heart of an artist, but the mind of a bureaucrat. Or he hopes that fame will make him a better person and not have it bring out the worst in him (referencing a charmed piece of advise that Anthony Hopkins bestowed on him). I believe both statements can be applied to any of our lives in some way. And I'm glad he's speaking them.

Finally, the fact that Wentworth is wildly multiracial I think will bridge the great race divide in this country. Racism is still deeply ingrained here, as demonstrated by Ice Cube's social experiment "Black/White", and Wentworth is a person that will and does appeal to the masses - no matter what race. And because he's so intelligent and well-spoken, he will break the stereotypes. I believe many will be rooting for his success - I for one am.

As an adolescent, Wentworth was highly misunderstood and ridiculed for being different, but this uniqueness is exactly what's going to launch him into stardom. The past is gone and his time has come.






***A note to Wentworth: if you ever happen upon this blog, please excuse any spelling or grammatical errors. I was only a History major :)

Friends with Benefits

A friend of mine, mentioned to me that maybe if people focused on their basic human needs then there wouldn't be so many problems in relationships or people's emotional equillibrium. I think she has a very good point, if you're in a committed, loving relationship where it's good to focus on the basics when the monotony of just existing in a relationship becomes cumbersome. But not all of us are in relationships - so this posting is not intended for those in loving, committed relationships (although, feel free to comment!).

I have been cruising the Craigslist postings in an effort (like so many others) to find a mate. I'm grateful that these services exist to increase the chances of people finding their soul mates - if you believe in such a thing. I do. Anyway, there are all types of posting; some honest, some not so much; some desparate, some bitter, some methodical, some hopeful and some just funny. The one kind of posting that has made me a little squimish, though, is the "just looking for a friends with benefits type of relationship" one.

Although, on the surface, this smacks of Age of Aquarius mentality (of free, detached and universal love), I question this "friends with benefits" state of mind. Aquarius being the sign of the love of humanity, there's far too much detachedness that seems to be emphasized during this era. The "friends with benefits" relationship is one way this emphasis manifests itself. "Friends with benefits" is the sharing of something so intimate in a completely unemotional fashion - and the prevelance of these relationships leaves one or both partners feeling empty in the end contributing to the prevailing (in my experience, anyway) feeling of separateness, loneliness and bitterness in this generation. It seems so contrary to the human need for companionship to share intimacy with someone all the while knowing that it is temporary, that it is "meaningless".

"Friends with benefit" has in it implied that one or both partners can walk away uneffected when it's convenient for them, i.e. they're bored, something better came long, etc... This is the *ultimate* in relationship consumerism. Getting all their needs met without the hassle of pesky attachments or commitments.

Don't get me wrong, I know how important it is that we all get our basic, human emotional needs met - those of companionship and sex - but we seem to carry on as if it's ok to use others to fulfill us (temporarily). What's so wrong with just being committed to the person you're with? Why can't we just take the time to have an appreciation for a few instead of trying to conquer so many - or just to give one person some undivided attention? Sometimes less is more.

And instead of being in the constant search for instant sexual gratification, what about funneling our pent up energy into something more useful and constructive or beautiful and creative? Something that might benefit humanity! That's what Aquarius is really about -- having love for the community, acting for the greater good. Is it really that important that we all get to experience as much and as many as possible? What does that give us? Why do our bodies take precendence over our spiritual development?

Practicing Humanity

I'm starting this blog because I'm becoming increasingly frustrated with people and my friend "ZDB" has suggested that I let it out in a forum for others to read. Maybe you'll appreciate what I have to say, maybe you'll think I'm damaged, stupid or laaaame, but whatever the case, maybe you can help me understand. And maybe I have a chance of making this world a little better, more peaceful. And if I get to a point where I feel satisfied with an understanding or having made an effect, this blog can become something else to make this world more beautiful and peaceful.

I want peace of mind. In yoga we're taught that peace is always accessible within ourselves. And although I agree with this and work often to create and maintain a sense of inner peace, I also feel that there needs to be a sense of community to make this peace more satisfying. Community gives us all a basis, a sturdy ground from which to stand while our minds meander inward to glean a more profound understanding. When we have this understanding and acceptance, we can bring this back to the community and help build a better world. A world where we don't need to worry at every corner (or at least minimize the amount of worrying we do - don't get me wrong, I'm not suggesting Utopia, just freeing ourselves from so much insanity). Without a more peaceful community, we cannot take this time to understand ourselves and deliver more stability back outward. We unknowingingly, unwillingly or unintentionally get sucked into the despair spiral. No matter how hard we work not to.

So, is it the Gen-Xers or is the SF Bay Area peeps that perpetuate this spiral? So many people seem to flounder about not knowing who they are or what they want. And then they drag others into their vortex of insecurity and steal others' energy only to walk away when *their* needs have been fulfilled. Without thought to the people they've effected or hurt. Or they just continue to expect more and when they cease to get what they wont, they disappear. No one takes their time to get to know each other or themselves. They just go about taking from other people's "buckets" (an analogy that ZDB's dad came up with!).

Being a Gen-Xer and an SF Bay Area inhabitant (not native!) myself, it's difficult for me to answer this question alone. But all I can say is that it seems so rare to find good, honest and generous spirits among these groups. And those are really hard to find because they cower away from the world. Am I one of these people? I've been called honest, good and generous, but lately I feel that I am not... or maybe that I don't want to be any more. So many people have stolen from my bucket that it makes it hard for me to fill it back up again to feel satisfied. And most of the time I'm just holding on in the interim until it is full again. But it takes so damned long to feel complete again when someone you cared for and misguidedly trusted takes from you without returning the goodness. And being only human I sometimes lash out because it just seems too much to take any more.

Don't get me wrong - I'm not whining (or at least that's not my intent). But I must admit that it makes me quite sad that life is so much harder than it really needs to be. Interpersonal relationships are difficult, and not in a good way. I feel like so many pieces of my soul are taken each time someone deceives me (which unfortunately is too often). Not only are we wading through a world of demons and devils, but we're also dealing with many damaged and scared people. We need to help each other heal, not hurt each other. But first we need to self-heal so that we can help each other.

I debate whether I should say any of these things for fear of total lash-back, because it seems that people only accept such accusations from the Perfect. But Perfect people do not exist. Everyone comes from one situation or another that effects their view or vision of the world. But I know I'm not the only one who feels disappointment with the world as it is today and I want to reach out to those or find ways to feel less disappointment. What're your thoughts?