Practicing Humanity

I'm starting this blog because I'm becoming increasingly frustrated with people and my friend "ZDB" has suggested that I let it out in a forum for others to read. Maybe you'll appreciate what I have to say, maybe you'll think I'm damaged, stupid or laaaame, but whatever the case, maybe you can help me understand. And maybe I have a chance of making this world a little better, more peaceful. And if I get to a point where I feel satisfied with an understanding or having made an effect, this blog can become something else to make this world more beautiful and peaceful.

I want peace of mind. In yoga we're taught that peace is always accessible within ourselves. And although I agree with this and work often to create and maintain a sense of inner peace, I also feel that there needs to be a sense of community to make this peace more satisfying. Community gives us all a basis, a sturdy ground from which to stand while our minds meander inward to glean a more profound understanding. When we have this understanding and acceptance, we can bring this back to the community and help build a better world. A world where we don't need to worry at every corner (or at least minimize the amount of worrying we do - don't get me wrong, I'm not suggesting Utopia, just freeing ourselves from so much insanity). Without a more peaceful community, we cannot take this time to understand ourselves and deliver more stability back outward. We unknowingingly, unwillingly or unintentionally get sucked into the despair spiral. No matter how hard we work not to.

So, is it the Gen-Xers or is the SF Bay Area peeps that perpetuate this spiral? So many people seem to flounder about not knowing who they are or what they want. And then they drag others into their vortex of insecurity and steal others' energy only to walk away when *their* needs have been fulfilled. Without thought to the people they've effected or hurt. Or they just continue to expect more and when they cease to get what they wont, they disappear. No one takes their time to get to know each other or themselves. They just go about taking from other people's "buckets" (an analogy that ZDB's dad came up with!).

Being a Gen-Xer and an SF Bay Area inhabitant (not native!) myself, it's difficult for me to answer this question alone. But all I can say is that it seems so rare to find good, honest and generous spirits among these groups. And those are really hard to find because they cower away from the world. Am I one of these people? I've been called honest, good and generous, but lately I feel that I am not... or maybe that I don't want to be any more. So many people have stolen from my bucket that it makes it hard for me to fill it back up again to feel satisfied. And most of the time I'm just holding on in the interim until it is full again. But it takes so damned long to feel complete again when someone you cared for and misguidedly trusted takes from you without returning the goodness. And being only human I sometimes lash out because it just seems too much to take any more.

Don't get me wrong - I'm not whining (or at least that's not my intent). But I must admit that it makes me quite sad that life is so much harder than it really needs to be. Interpersonal relationships are difficult, and not in a good way. I feel like so many pieces of my soul are taken each time someone deceives me (which unfortunately is too often). Not only are we wading through a world of demons and devils, but we're also dealing with many damaged and scared people. We need to help each other heal, not hurt each other. But first we need to self-heal so that we can help each other.

I debate whether I should say any of these things for fear of total lash-back, because it seems that people only accept such accusations from the Perfect. But Perfect people do not exist. Everyone comes from one situation or another that effects their view or vision of the world. But I know I'm not the only one who feels disappointment with the world as it is today and I want to reach out to those or find ways to feel less disappointment. What're your thoughts?